Fears Manifest?

When it comes to having another child… I’ve got a bit of baggage. When R was born I was living in Sydney… 800 km away from extended family support… and my peers were groovy, ambitious and singularly childless. When I found out I was pregnant I realised I’d never even held a baby before!

R was born with macrocephalus and had brain surgery when she was 8 days old. We were told it was likely she was going to be severely disabled. After the operation she decided breastfeeding was a bit too hard and, convinced that she really needed breast milk for healthy brain development, I fought with her for the next 3 months… every 3 hours.

My partner was working 70 hour weeks and when he was around… he made me feel I wasn’t coping. Pretty soon I started to believe it, and the slide into post-natal-depression-land was a quick and easy one…

Recently I was commissioned by US web-site filmaka.com to make a micro-movie on the theme of ‘Stuck in Traffic’. I remembered feeling trapped in the crazy, sleep-deprived head-space of first-time motherhood…

Will it be different this time?

Lolling about in bed. Inviting a small spirit to come and be part of all our lives.

After getting over all the excitement… and the hilarity of waiting for the sperm to arrive… and all the ‘performing for the camera’ stuff… not to mention the crazy logistics of co-ordinating insemination and orgasm…

I just felt languid. Distinctly post-coital. Trying to remember the last time I lay in the sunshine reading a book…

It didn’t seem to matter there was no lover to ’share the moment’ with… looking out at the tree-tops it felt more like it was between me and the baby…